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PART ONE Fundamental Techniques in Handling People

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1. Don’t criticize, condemn or complain

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John Wannamaker confessed: “It is foolish to scold. I have enough trouble overcoming my own limitations without fretting over the fact that God has not seen fit to distribute evenly the gift of intelligence.”

Ninety-nine times out of a hundred, people don’t criticize themselves for anything, no matter how wrong it may be. Criticism is futile because it puts a person on the defensive and usually makes him strive to justify himself. Criticism is dangerous, because it wounds a person’s precious pride, hurts his sense of importance, and arouses resentment.

An animal rewarded for good behavior will learn much more rapidly and retain what it learns far more effectively than an animal punished for bad behavior. The same applies to humans. By criticizing, we do not make lasting changes and often incur resentment.

“As much as we thirst for approval, we dread condemnation.”

The resentment that criticism engenders can demoralize employees, family members and friends, and still not correct the situation that has been condemned.

So when you and I are tempted to criticize someone tomorrow, let’s remember Al Capone, “Two Gun” Crowley and Albert Fall. Let’s realize that criticisms are like homing pigeons. They always return home. Let’s realize that the person we are going to correct and condemn will probably justify himself or herself, and condemn us in return; or, like the gentle Taft, will say: “I don’t see how I could have done any differently from what I have.”

Lincoln, “with malice toward none, with charity for all” had a favourite quote “Judge not, that ye be not judged.”

“Don’t criticize them; they are just what we would be under similar circumstances.”

The next time we are tempted to admonish somebody, let’s pull a five-dollar bill out of our pocket, look at Lincoln’s picture on the bill, and ask, “How would Lincoln handle this problem if he had it ?”

Do you know someone you would like to change and regulate and improve ? Good ! That is fine. I am all in favor of it. But why not begin on yourself ? From a purely selfish standpoint, that is a lot more profitable than trying to improve others – yes, and a lot less dangerous. “Don’t complain about the snow on your neighbor’s roof,” said Confucius, “when your own doorstep is unclean.”

If you want to stir up a resentment tomorrow that may rankle across the decades and endure until death, just let us indulge in a little stinging criticism – no matter how certain we are that it is justified.

When dealing with people, let us remember we are not dealing with creatures of logic. We are dealing with creatures of emotion, creatures bristling with prejudices and motivated by pride and vanity.

“I will speak ill of no man and speak all the good I know of everybody.”

Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain – and most fools do. But it takes character and self-control to be understanding and forgiving.

“A great man shows his greatness by the way he treats little men.”

Instead of condemning people, let’s try to understand them. Let’s try to figure out why they do what they do. That’s a lot more profitable and intriguing than criticism; and it breds sympathy, tolerance and kindness. “To know all is to forgive all.”

“God himself, sir, does not propose to judge man until the end of his days.” Why should you and I ?

PRINCIPLE 1 Don’t criticize, condemn or complain

2. Give honest and sincere appreciation

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There is only one way under high heaven to get anybody to do anything. And that is by making the other person want to do it. Remember, there is no other way. Crude methods have sharply undesirable repercussions. The only way I can get you to do anything is by giving you want you want.

Sigmund Freud said that everything you and I do springs from two motives: the sex urge and the desire to be great. John Dewey said that the deepest urge in human nature is “the desire to be important”.

There is one longing – almost as deep, almost as imperious, as the desire for food or sleep – which is seldom gratified. It is what Freud calls “the desire to be great”. It is what Dewey calls the “desire to be important”.

“The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated.”

Here is a gnawing and unfaltering human hunger, and the rare individual who honestly satisfies this heart hunger will hold people in the palm of his or her hand and “even the undertaker will be sorry when he dies”.

If some people are so hungry for a feeling of importance that they actually go insane to get it, imagine what miracle you and I can achieve by giving people honest and sincere appreciation this side of insanity.

“I consider my ability to arouse enthusiasm among my people the greatest asset I possess, and the way to develop the best that is in a person is by appreciation and encouragement. There is nothing else that so kills the ambitions of a person as criticisms from superiors. I never criticize anyone. I believe in giving a person incentive to work. So I am anxious to praise but loath to find fault. If I like anything, I am hearty in my approbation and lavish in my praise.”

“Here lies one who knew to get around him men who were cleverer than himself.”

We nourish the bodies of our children and friends and employees, but how seldom do we nourish their self-esteem ? We provide them with roast beef and potatoes to build energy, but we neglect to give them kind words of appreciation that would sing in their memories for years like the music of the morning stars.

Flattery is counterfeit, and like counterfeit money, it will eventually get you into trouble if you pass it on to someone else. The difference between appreciation and flattery ? That is simple. One is sincere and the other insincere. One comes from the heart out; the other from the teeth out. One is unselfish; the other selfish. One is universally admired; the other universally condemned.

“Flattery is telling the other person precisely what he thinks about himself.”

When we are not engaged in thinking about some definite problem, we usually spend about 95 percent of our time thinking about ourselves. Now, if we stop thinking about ourselves for a while and begin to think of the other person’s good points, we won’t have to resort to flattery so cheap and false that it can be spotted almost before it is out of the mouth.

One of the most neglected virtues of our daily existence is appreciation. In our interpersonal relations we should never forget that all our associates are human beings and hunger for appreciation. It is the legal tender that all souls enjoy. Try leaving a friendly trail of little sparks of gratitude on your daily trips. You will be surprised how they will set small flames of friendship that will be rose beacons on your next visit.

Hurting people not only does not change them, it is never called for. There is an old saying: “I shall pass this way but once; any good, therefore, that I can do or any kindness that I can show to any human being, let me do it now. Let me defer nor neglect it, for I shall not pass this way again.”

“Every man I meet is my superior in some way. In that, I learn of him.”

Let’s cease thinking of our accomplishments, our wants. Let’s try to figure out the other person’s good points. Then forget flattery. Give honest, sincere appreciation. Be “hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise”, and people will cherish your words and treasure them and repeat them over a lifetime – repeat them years after you have forgotten them.

PRINCIPLE 2 Give honest and sincere appreciation

3. Arouse in the other person an eager want

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When fishing, you don’t think about what you want, you think about what the fish want. Why not use the same common sense when fishing for people ? Lloyd George said that if his staying on top might be attributed to any one thing, it would be to his having learned that it was necessary to bait the hook to suit the fish.

Why talk about what we want ? That is childish. Absurd. Of course, you are interested in what you want. You are eternally interested in it. But no one else is. The rest of us are just like you: we are interested in what we want. So the only way on earth to influence other people is to talk about what they want and show them how to get it.

Remember that tomorrow when you are trying to get somebody to do something. This is a good thing to remember regardless of whether you are dealing with children or calves or chimpanzees.

Harry A. Overstreet said in Influencing Human Behavior “Action springs out of what we fundamentally desire. First, arouse in the other person an eager want. He who can do this has the whole world with him. He who cannot walks a lonely way.”

Tomorrow you may want to persuade somebody to do something. Before you speak, pause and ask yourself: “How can I make this person want to do it ?” That question will stop us from rushing into a situation heedlessly, with futile chatter about our desires.

One of the best bits of advice ever given about the fine art of human relationships: “If there is any one secret of success, it lies in the ability to get the other person’s point of view and see things from that person’s angle as well as your own.” That is so simple, so obvious, that anyone ought to see the truth of it at a glance; yet 90 percent of the people on this earth ignore it 90 percent of the time.

The world is full of people who are grabbing and self-seeking. So the rare individual who unselfishly tries to serve others has an enormous advantage. He has little competition.

“People who can put themselves in the place of other people, who can understand the workings of their minds, need never worry about what the future has in store for them.”

Always think in terms of other people’s point of view, and see things from their angle, it may easily prove to be one of the building blocks of your career.

Looking at the other person’s point of view and arousing in him an eager want for something is not to be construed as manipulating that person so that he will do something that is only for your benefit and his detriment. Each party shoud gain from the negociation. Most people go through college and learn to read Virgil and master the mysteries of calculus without ever discovering how their own minds function.

“Self-expression is the dominant necessity of human nature.” Why can’t we adapt this samepsychology to business dealings ? When we have a brilliant idea, instead of making others think it is ours, why not let them cook and stir the idea themselves. They will then regard it as their own; they will like it and maybe eat a couple of helpings of it.

PRINCIPLE 3 Arouse in the other person an eager want

PART TWO Six Ways to Make People Like You

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1. Become genuinely interested in other people

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You can make more friends in two months by becoming genuinely interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you. Yet I know and you know people who blunder through life trying to wigwag other people into becoming interested in them. Of course, it doesn’t work. People are not interested in you. They are not interested in me. They are interested in themselves – morning, noon and after dinner.

If we merely try to impress people and get people interested in us, we will never have many true, sincere friends. Friends, real friends, are not made that way.

//“It is the individual who is not interested in his fellow men who has the greatest difficulties in life and provides the greatest injury to others. It is from among such individuals that all human failures spring.”//

//“To be genuinely interested in other people is a most important quality for a salesperson to possess – for any person, for that matter.”//

One can win the attention and time and cooperation of even the most sought-after people by becoming genuinely interested in them. All of us, be we workers in a factory, clerks in an office or even a king upon his throne – all of us like people who admire us.

If we want to make friends, let’s put ourselves out to do things for other people – things that require time, energy, unselfishness and thoughtfulness.

Make it a point to find out the birthdays of your friends. Ask the other party wether he believes the date of one’s birth has anything to do with character and disposition. Then ask the month and day of birth. Write it and later transfer it to a birthday book. Schedule the birthday dates and sent a postcard or telegram on the day. What a hit it will make !

If we want to make friends, let’s greet people with animation and enthusiasm. When somebody calls you on the telephone use the same psychology. Say “Hello” in tones that bespeak how pleased you are to have the person call. Use a tone of voice that radiates interest in enthusiasm. The caller feels you are concerned about him. Let’s remember that when we answer the telephone tomorrow.

Showing a genuine interest in others not only wins friends for you, but may develop in its customers a loyalty to your company.

“We are interested in others when they are interested in us.”

A show of interest, as with every other principle of human relations, must be sincere. It must pay off not only for the person showing the interest, but for the person receiving the attention. It is a two-way street – both parties benefit.

If you want others to like you, if you want to develop real friendships, if you want to help others at the same time as you help yourself, keep this principle in mind:

PRINCIPLE 1 Become genuinely interested in other people.

2. Smile

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The expression one wears on one’s face is far more important than the clothes one wears on one’s back.

Actions speak louder than words, and a smile says, “I like you. You make me happy. I am glad to see you.”

An insincere grin ? No. That doesn’t fool anybody. We know it is mechanical and we resent it. I am talking about a real smile, a heartwarming smile, a smile that comes from within, the kind of smile that will bring a good price in the marketplace.

“People who smile tend to manage, teach and sell more effectively, and to raise happier children. There’s far more information in a smile than a frown. That’s why encouragement is a much more effective teaching device than punishment.”

The effect of a smile is powerful – even when it is unseen. Smile when talking on the phone. Your “smile” comes through your voice.

People rarely succeed at anything unless they have fun doing it. You must have a good time meeting people if you expect them to have a good time meeting you.

You don’t feel like smiling ? Then what ? Two things. First, force yourself to smile. If you are alone, force yourself to whistle or hum a tune or sing. Act as if you were already happy, and that will tend to make you happy.

“Action seems to follow feeling, but really action and feeling go together; and by regulating the action, which is under the more direct control of the will, we can indirectly regulate the feeling, which is not. Thus the sovereign voluntary path to cheerfulness, if our cheerfulness be lost, is to sit up cheerfully and to act and speak as if cheerfulness were already there…”

Everybody in the world is seeking happiness – and there is one sure way to find it. That is by controlling your thoughts. Happiness doesn’t depend on outward conditions. It depends on inner conditions.

It isn’t what you have or who you are or where you are or what you are doing that makes you happy or unhappy. It is what you think about it.

“There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.”

“Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.”

Peruse this bit of sage advice but remember, perusing it won’t do you any good unless you apply it: Whenever you go out-of-doors, draw the chin in, carry the crown of the head high, and fill the lungs to the utmost; drink in the sunshine; greet your friends with a smile, and put soul into every handclasp. Do not fear being misunderstood and do not waste a minute thinking about your enemies. Try to fix firmly in your mind what you would like to do; and then, without veering off direction, you will move straight to the goal. Keep your mind on the great and splendid things you would like to do, and then, as the days go gliding away, you will find opportunities that are required for the fulfillment of your desire. Picture in your mind the able, earnest, useful person you desire to be, and the thought you hold is hourly transforming you into that particular individual… Thought is supreme. Preserve a right mental attitude – the attitude of courage, frankness, and good cheer. To think rightly is to create. All things come through desire and every sincere prayer is answered. We become like that on which our hearts are fixed. Carry your chin in and the crown of your head high. We are gods in the chrysalis.

“A man without a smiling face must not open a shop.”

Your smile is a messenger of your good will. Your smile brightens the lives of all who see it. To someone who has seen a dozen people frown, scowl or turn their faces away, your smile is like the sun breaking through the clouds. Especially when that someone is under pressure from his bosses, his customers, his teachers or parents or children, a smile can help him realize that all is not hopeless – that there is a joy in the world.

THE VALUE OF A SMILE AT CHRISTMAS

It costs nothing, but creates much.
It enriches those who receive, without impovering those who give.
It happens in a flash and the memory of it sometimes lasts forever.
None are so rich they can get alone without it, and none so poor but are richer for its benefits.
It creates happiness in the home, fosters good will in a business, and is the countersign of friends.
It is rest to the weary, daylight to the discouraged, sunshine to the sad, and Nature’s best antidote for trouble.
Yet it cannot be bought, begged, borrowed, or stolen, for it is something that is no earthly good to anybody till it is given away.
And if in the last-minute rush of Christmas buying some of our salespeople should be too tired to give you a smile, may we ask you leave one of yours?
For nobody needs a smile so much as those who have none left to give!

PRINCIPLE 2 Smile

3. Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language

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Whenever we meet a new acquaintance, find out his or her complete name and some facts about his or her family, business and political opinions. Fix all these facts well in mind as part of the picture.

The average person is more interested in his or her own name than all the other names on earth put together. Remember the name and call it easily, and you have paid a subtle and very effective compliment. But forget it or misspell it – and you have placed yourself at a sharp disadvantage.

Sometimes it is difficult to remember a name, particularly if it is hard to pronounce. Rather than even try to learn it, many people ignore it or call the person by an easy nickname.

This policy of remembering and honoring the names of friends and business associates is one of the secrets of leadership.

“The bigger a corporation gets, the colder it becomes. One way to warm it up is to remember people’s names. The executive who tells me he can’t remember names is at the same time telling me he can’t remember a significant part of his business and is operating on quicksand.”

People are so proud of their names that they strive to perpetuate them at any cost.

Most people don’t remember names, for the simple reason that they don’t take the time and energy necessary to concentrate and repeat and fix names indelibly in their minds. They make excuses for themselves; they are too busy.

One of the simplest, most obvious and most important ways of gaining good will was by remembering names and making people feel important – yet how many of us do it ? Half the time we are introduced to a stranger, we chat a few minutes and can’t even remember his or her name by the time we say goodbye. The ability to remember names is almost as important in business and social contacts as it is in politics.

If you don’t hear the name distinctly, say “So sorry. I didn’t get the name clearly.” If it is an unusual name say “How is it spelled ?” All this takes time, but “Good manners are made up of petty sacrifices.”

The importance of remembering and using names is not just the prerogative of kings and corporate executives. It works for all of us.

We should be aware of the magic contained in a name and realize that this single item is wholly and completely owned by the person with whom we are dealing…and noboy else. The name sets the individual apart; it makes him or her unique among all others. The information we are imparting or the request we are making takes on a special importance when we approach the situation with the name of the individual. From the waitress to the senior executive, the name will work magic as we deal with others.

PRINCIPLE 3 Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language

4. Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves

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“Few human beings are proof against the implied flattery of rapt attention.”

What is the secret, the mystery, of a successful business interview ? “There is no mystery about successful business intercourse…Exclusive attention to the person who is speaking to you is very important. Nothing else is so flattering as that.”

Listening is just as important in one’s home life as in the world of business.

The chronic kicker, even the most violent critic, will frequently soften and be subdued in the presence of a patient, sympathetic listener – a listener who will be silent while the irate fault-finder dilates like a king cobra and spews the poison out of his system.

“Many people fail to make a favorable impression because they don’t listen attentively. They have been so much concerned with what they are going to say next that they do not keep their ears open… Very important people have told me that they prefer good listeners to good talkers, bt the ability to listen seems rarer than almost any other good trait.”

And not only important personages crave a good listener, but ordinary folk do too. A friendly, sympathetic listener to whom people can unburden themselves. That’s what we al want when we are in trouble. That is frequently all the irritated customer wants, and the dissatisfied employee or the hurt friend.

If you want to know how to make people shun you and laugh at you behind your back and even despise you, here is the recipe: Never listen to anyone for long. Talk incessantly about yourself. If you have an idea while the other person is talking, don’t wait for him or her to finish: bust right in and interrupt in the middle of a sentence.

Do you know people like that ? I do, unfortunately; and the astonishing part of it is that some of them are prominent. Bores, that is all they are – bores intoxicated with their own egos, drunk with a sense of their own importance.

People who talk only of themselves think only of themselves. And “those people who think only of themselves are hopelessly uneducated. They are not educated, no matter how instructed they may be.”

So if you aspire to be a good conversationalist, be an attentive listener. To be interesting, be interested. Ask questions that other persons will enjoy answering. Encourage them to talk about themselves and their accomplishments.

Remember that the people you are talking to are a hundred times more interested in themselves and their wants and problems than they are in you and their problems. A person’s toothache means more to that person than a famine in China which kills a million people. A boil on one’s neck interests one more than forty earthquakes in Africa. Think of that the next time you start a conversation.

PRINCIPLE 4 Be a good listener. Encourage people to talk about themselves

5. Talk in terms of the other person’s interests

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Everyone who was ever a guest of Theodore Roosevelt was astonished at the range and diversity of his knowledge. Whether his visitor was a cowboy or a Rough Rider, a New York politician or a diplomat, Roosevelt knew what to say. How was it done ? Whenever Roosevelt expected a visitor, he sat up late the night before, reading up on the subject in which he knew his guest was particularly interested.

All leaders know that the royal road to a person’s heart is to talk about the things he or she treasures most.

“If I hadn’t found out what he was interested in, and got him warmed up first, I wouldn’t have found him one tenth as easy to approach.” Is this a valuable technique to use in business ? Is it ? Of course !

Talking in terms of the other person’s interests pays off for both parties.

PRINCIPLE 5 Talk in terms of the other person’s interests

6. Make the other person feel important – and do it sincerely

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If we are so contemptibly selfish that we can’t radiate a little happiness and pass on a bit of honest appreciation without trying to get something out of the other person in return – if our souls are no bigger than sour crab apples, we shall meet with the failure we so richly deserve.

There is one all-important law of human conduct. If we obey that law, we shall almost never get into trouble. In fact, that law, if obeyed, will bring us countless friends and constant happiness. But the very instant we break the law, we shall get into endless trouble. The law is this: Always make the other person feel important.

“Do unto others as you would have others do unto you.”

You want the approval of those with whom you come in contact. You want recognition of your true worth. You want a feeling that you are important in your little world. You don’t want to listen to cheap, insincere flattery, but you do crave sincere appreciation. You want your friends and associates to be “hearty in their approbation and lavish in their praise”. All of us want that. So let’s obey the Golden Rule, and give unto others what we would have others give unto us. All the time, everywhere.

You don’t have to wait until you are ambassador to France or chairman of the Clambake Committee of your lodge before you use this philosophy of appreciation. You can work magic with it almost every day.

Little phrases such as “I’m sorry to trouble you,” “Would you be so kind as to … ?” “Won’t you please ?” “Would you mind ?” “Thank you” – little courtesies like these oil the cogs of the monotonous grind of everyday life – and, incidentally, they are the hallmark of good breeding.

Such is the power, the stupendous power, of sincere, heartfelt appreciation. The life of many a person could probably be changed if only someone would make him feel important.

The unvarnished truth is that almost all the people you meet feel themselves superior to you in some way, and a sure way to their hearts is to let them realize in some subtle way that you recognize their importance, and recognize it sincerely.

“Every man I meet is my superior in some way. In that, I learn of him.”

And the pathetic part of it is that frequently those who have the least justification for a feeling of achievement bolster up their egos by a show of tumult and conceit which is truly nauseating. As Shakespeare put it: “… man, proud man, / Drest in a little brief authority, / … Plays such fantastic tricks before high heaven / As make the angels weep.”

“Talk to people about themselves and they will listen for hours.”

PRINCIPLE 6 Make the other person feel important – and do it sincerely

PART THREE HOW TO WIN PEOPLE TO YOUR WAYOF THINKING

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1. The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it

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There is only one way under high heaven to get the best of an argument – and that is to avoid it. Avoid it as you would avoid rattlesnakes and earthquakes.

Nine times out of ten, an argument ends with each of the contestants more firmly convinced than ever that he is absolutely right.

You can’t win an argument. You can’t because if you lose it, you lose it; and if you win it, you lose it.

Why ? Well, suppose you triumph over the other man and shoot his argument full of holes and prove that he is non compos mentis. Then what ? You will feel fine. But what about him ? You have made him feel inferior. You have hurt his pride. He will resent your triumph. And – “A man convinced against his will / Is of the same opinion still.“

If you argue and rankle and contradict, you may achieve a victory sometimes; but it will be an empty victory because you will never get your oponent’s good will.

You may be right, dead right, as you speed along in your argument; but as far as changing another’s mind is concerned, you will probably be just as futile as if you were wrong.

“Hatred is never ended by hatred but by love” and a misunderstanding is never ended by an argument but by tact, diplomacy, conciliation and a sympathetic desire to see the other person’s viewpoint.

Some suggestions on how to keep a disagreement from becoming an argument:

Welcome the argument. Remember the slogan, “When two partners agree, one of them is not necessary.” If there is some point you haven’t thought about, be thankful if it is brought to your attention. Perhaps this disagreement is your opportunity to be corrected before you make a serious mistake.

Distrust your first instinctive impression. Our first natural reaction in a disagreeable situation is to be defensive. Be careful. Keep calm and watch out for your first reaction. It may be you at your worst, not your best.

Control your temper. Remember, you can measure the size of a person by what makes him or her angry.

Listen first. Give your opponents a chance to talk. Let them finish. Do not resist, defend or debate. This only raises barriers. Try to build bridges of understanding. Don’t build higher barriers of misunderstanding.

Look for areas of agreement. When you have heard your opponents out, dwell first on the points and areas on which you agree.

Be honest. Look for areas where you can admit error and say so. Apologize for your mistakes. It will help disarm your opponents and reduce defensiveness.

Promise to think over your opponents’ ideas and study them carefully. And mean it. Your opponents may be right. It is a lot easier at this stage to think about their points than move rapidly ahead and find yourself in a position where your opponents can say: “We tried to tell you, but you wouldn’t listen.”

Thank your opponents sincerely for their interest. Anyone who takes the time to disagree with you is interested in the same things you are. Think of them as people who really want to help you, and you may turn your opponents into friends.

Postpone action to give both sides time to think through the problem. Suggest that a new meeting be held later that day or the next day, when all the facts may be brought to bear. In preparation for this meeting, ask yourself some hard questions:

• Could my opponents be right ? Partly right ?
  
• Is there truth or merit in their position or argument ?
  
• Is my reaction one that will relieve the problem or will it just relieve any frustration ?
  
• Will my reaction drive my opponents further away or draw them closer to me ?
  
• Will my reaction elevate the estimation good people have of me ?
  
• Will I win or lose ? What price will I have to pay if I win ?
  
• If I am quiet about it, will the disagreement blow over ?
  
• Is this difficult situation an opportunity for me ?

“My wife and I made a pact a long time ago, and we’ve kept it no matter how angry we’ve grown with each other. When one yells, the other should listen – because when two people yell, there is no communication, just noise and bad vibrations.”

PRINCIPLE 1 The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it

2. Call attention to people’s mistakes indirectly

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Simply changing one three-letter word can often spell the difference between failure and success in changing people without giving offense or arousing resentment.

Many people begin their criticism with sincere praise followed by the word “but” and ending with a critical statement. For example, in trying to change a child’s careless attitude toward studies, we might say “We’re really proud of you, Johnnie, for raising your grades this term. But if you had worked harder on your algebra, the results would have been better.”

In this case, Johnnie might feel encouraged until he heard the word “but”. He might then question the sincerity of the original praise. To him, the praise seemed only to be a contrived lead-in to a critical inference of failure. Credibility would be strained, and we probably would not achieve our objectives of changing Johnnie’s attitude toward his studies.

This could be easily overcome by changing the word “but” to “and”. “We’re really proud of you, Johnnie, for raising your grades this term, and by continuing the same conscientious efforts next term, your algebra grade can be up with all the others.”

Now, Johnnie would accept the praise because there was no follow-up of an inference of failure. We have called his attention to the behavior we wished to change indirectly, and the chances are he will try to live up to our expectations.

Calling attention to one’s mistakes indirectly works wonders with sensitive people who may resent bitterly any direct criticism.

An effective way to correct others’ mistakes is …

PRINCIPLE 2 Call attention to people’s mistakes indirectly

3. Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person

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It isn’t nearly so difficult to listen to a recital of your faults if the person criticizing begins by humbly admitting that he, too, is far from impeccable.

If a few sentences humbling oneself and praising the other party can turn a haughty, insulted Kaiser into a staunch friend, imagine what humility and praise can do for you and me in our daily contacts. Rightfully used, they will work veritable miracles in human relations.

Admitting one’s mistakes – even when one hasn’t corrected them – can help convince somebody to change his behavior.

A good leader follows this principle:

PRINCIPLE 3 Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person

4. Ask questions instead of giving direct orders

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Try not to give a direct order to anyone. Always give suggestions, not orders. Never say, for example “Do this or do that”, or “Don’t do this or don’t do that”. Say “You might consider this” or “Do you think that would work ?”, “What do you think of this ?”, “Maybe if we were to phrase it this way it would be better”. Always give people theopportunity to do things themselves. Let people do them themselves and learn from their mistakes.

A technique like that makes it easy for a person to correct errors. A technique like that saves a person’s pride and gives him or her a feeling of importance. It encourages cooperation instead of rebellion.

Resentment caused by a brash order may last a long time – even if the order was given to correct an obviously bad situation.

Asking questions not only makes an order more palatable; it often stimulates the creativity of the persons whom you ask. People are more likely to accept an order if they have had a part in the decision that caused the order to be issued.

An effective leader will use …

PRINCIPLE 4 Ask questions instead of giving direct orders

5. Let the other person save face

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Letting one save face ! How important, how vitally important that is ! And how few of us ever stop to think of it ! We ride roughshod over the feelings of others, getting our own way, finding fault, issuing threats, criticizing a child or an employee in front of others, without even considering the hurt to the other person’s pride. Whereas a few minutes’ thought, a considerate word or two, a genuine understanding of the other person’s attitude, would go so far toward alleviating the sting !

Let’s remember that the next time we are faced with the distasteful necessity of discharging or reprimanding an employee.

Even if we are right and the other person is definetely wrong, we only destroy ego by causing someone to lose face.

“I have no right to say or do anything that diminishes a man in his own eyes. What matters is not what I think of him, but what he thinks of himself. Hurting a man in his dignity is a crime.”

A real leader will always follow …

PRINCIPLE 5 Let the other person save face

6. Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement. Be “hearty in your approbation and lavish in yoyr praise”

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The moment a dog showed the slightest improvement, it is patted and praised, given meat and made a great to-do about it. Animal trainers have been using that same technique for centuries.

Why, I wonder, don’t we use the same common sense when trying to change people that we use when trying to change dogs ? Why don’t we use meat instead of a whip ? Why don’t we use praise instead of condemnation ? Let us praise even the slightest improvement. That inspires the other person to keep on improving.

“Praise is like sunlight to the warm human spirit; we cannot flower and grow without it. And yet, while most of us are only too ready to apply to others the cold wind of criticism, we are somehow reluctant to give our fellow the warm sunshine of praise.”

When criticism is minimized and praise emphasized, the good things people do will be reinforced and the poorer things will atrophy for lack of attention. This works on the job too.

Everybody likes to be praised, but when praise is specific, it comes across as sincere – not something the other person may be saying just to make one feel good.

Remember, we all crave appreciation and recognition, and will do almost anything to get it. But nobody wants insincerity. Nobody wants flattery.

Talk about changing people. If you and I will inspire the people with whom we come in contact to a realization of the hidden treasures they possess, we can do far more than change people. We can literally transform them.

“Compared with what we ought to be, we are only half awake. We are making use of only a small part of our physical and mental resources. Stating the thing broadly, the human individual thus lives far within his limits. He possesses powers of various sorts which he habitually fails to use.”

Yes, you who are reading these lines possess powers of various sorts which you habitually fail to use; and one of these powers you are probably not using to the fullest extent is your magic ability to praise people and inspire them with a realization of their latent possibilities.

Abilities wither under criticism; they blossom under encouragement. To become a more effective leader of people, apply …

PRINCIPLE 6 Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement. Be “hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise.”

7. Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to

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What do you do when a person who has been a good worker begins to turn in shoddy work ? You can fire him or her, but that really doesn’t solve anything. You can berate the worker, but this usually causes resentment.

“The average person can be led readily if you have his or her respect and if you show that you respect that person for some kind of ability.”

In short, if you want to improve a person in a certain respect, act as though that particular trait were already one of his or her outstanding characteristics. “Assume a virtue if you have it not”. And it might be well to assume and state openly that other people have thevirtue you want them to develop. Give them a fine reputation to live up to, and they will make prodigious efforts rather than see you disillusioned.

“Give a dog a bad name and you may as well hang him.” But give him a good name – and see what happens !

If you want to excel in that difficult leadership role of changing the attitude or behavior of others, use…

PRINCIPLE 7 Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to

8. Use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct

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Tell your child, your spouse, or your employee that he or she is stupid or dumb at a certain thing, has no gift for it, and is doing it all wrong, and you have destroyed almost every incentive to try to improve. But use the opposite technique – be liberal with your encouragement, make the thing seem easy to do, let the other person know that you have faith in his ability to do it, that he has an undeveloped flair for it – and he will practice until the dawn comes in the window in order to excel.

If you want to help others to improve, remember …

PRINCIPLE 8 Use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct

9. Make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest

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Always make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest.

Statesmen and diplomats aren’t the only ones who use this make-a-person-happy-to-do-things-you-want-them-to-do approach.

The effective leader should keep the following guidelines in mind when it is necessary to change attitudes or behavior:

• Be sincere. Do not promise anything that you cannot deliver. Forget about the benefits to yourself and concentrate on the benefits to the other person
  
• Know exactly what it is you want the other person to do
  
• Be emphatetic. Ask yourself what it is the other person really wants.
  
• Consider the benefits that person will receive from doing what you suggest
  
• Match those benefits to the other person’s wants
  
• When you make a request, put it in a form that will convey to the other person the idea that he personally will benefit.

We could give a curt order like this: “John, we have customers coming in tomorrow and I need the stockroom cleaned out. So sweep it out, put the stock in neat piles on the shelves and polish the counter.” Or we could express the same idea by showing John the benefits he will get from doing the task: “John, we have a job that should be completed right away. If it is done now, we won’t be faced with it later. I am bringing some customersi n tomorrow to show our facilities. I would like to show them the stockroom, but it is in poor shape. If you could sweep it out, put the stock in neat piles on the shelves, and polish the counter, it would make us look efficient and you will have done your part to provide a good company image.”

Will John be happy doing what you suggest ? Probably not very happy, but happier than if you had not pointed out the benefits. Assuming you know that John has pride in the way his stockroom looks and is interested in contributing to the company image, he will be more likely to be cooperative. It also will have been pointed out to John that the job would have to be done eventually and by doing it now, he won’t be faced with it later.

It is naïve to believe you will always get a favorable reaction from other persons when you use these approaches, but the experience of most people shows that you are more likely to change attitudes this way than by not using these principles – and if you increase your successes by even a mere 10 percent, you have become 10 percent more effective as a leader than you were before – and that is your benefit.

People are more likely to do what you would like them to do when you use…

PRINCIPLE 9 Make the other person feel happy about doing the thing you suggest