Grammar is important. Capitalization is the difference between “helping your Uncle Jack off a horse” and “helping your uncle jack off a horse”.

Doi nemţi discută într-un showroom:
– Ce-i asta, Dacia Duster?
– Duster… da
– Românească, nu?
– Da, românească…
– Bună, nu? Gardă înaltă, cauciucuri groase…
– Mda…
– Măi, ce ţi-e şi cu românii ăştia… ar face orice numai să nu-şi repare drumurile.

Judgement day is here. Show me your tits and I will judge `em!

La înmormântare, preotul o întreabă pe femeie:
– Vrei sa-i mai spui ceva înainte ca să-l bag înăuntru?
La care femeia izbucneşte în lacrimi şi spune:
– Sunt cuvintele pe care obişnuia să le spună şi soţul meu.

Un german pe aeroport în Paris. Vameşul francez se uită la paşaport şi întreabă:
– Occupation? La care neamţul:
– No, no… Just visiting…

Two men encountered a hungry bear. One turned to run.
“It’s hopeless,” the other told him, “you can’t outrun a bear.”
“No,” he replied “But I might be able to outrun you.”

Băsescu şi Geoană zboară cu elicopterul. Băsescu aruncă o bancnotă de 100 de lei şi zice:
Vreau sa fac un român fericit!

Geoană aruncă două bancnote şi zice:
Vreau să fac doi români fericiţi!

Pilotul îi întreaba:
De ce nu vă aruncaţi amândoi, să-i faceţi fericiţi pe toţi românii?!

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a new husband. At the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!’

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 – These men Have Jobs.’
The second floor sign reads: ‘Floor 2 – These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.’
The third floor sign reads: ‘Floor 3 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids and are Drop-dead Gorgeous.’
‘Wow,’ she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads: ‘Floor 4 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous and Help With Housework.’
‘Oh, mercy me!’ she exclaims, ‘I can hardly stand it!’

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads: ‘Floor 5 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with housework and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.’

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads: ‘Floor 6 – You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the New Husband Store.’

To avoid gender bias accusations, the store’s owner also opens a New Wives’ store just across the street. The first floor has wives that love sex. The second floor has wives that love sex and have money. The third through sixth floors have never been visited.

Se întalnesc 2 prieteni vechi, care nu se mai văzuseră de 10 ani.
– Salut! Ce mai faci?? Baaa, ce te-ai îngrăşat!!
– Da, am pus ceva pe mine…
– Ce mă, eşti obez!
– Putem spune şi asta…
– Da îs curios, ţi-o mai vezi de burta asta?
– Auzi, adevarul e ca n-o mai văd. Da daca o vezi tu, pup-o din partea mea…

Un tip merge pe stradă şi vede o uşă pe care scrie “Ion Vasile, doctor în drept”. Intra şi spune:
– Dom’ doctor, ma doare cumplit coiul stâng. Ce pot face?
Ion Vasile îi spune:
– Domnule, eu nu-s doctor de ala… îs doctor în drept.
Tipul cu durerea iese şi zice în gandul lui: al dracu’ ce-a evoluat medicina asta… fiecare coi are doctorul lui…